Make A Great Blackmarketeer
by Jebediah Sprinklefield
Summary: The title is pretty irrelevant, but meh. Just a little bit of humour I wrote as a pickmeup while I'm home with the flu. Enjoy! Onshot.


A/N: I'm not a Doctor, or anything like one, and the medications described in this are not real, nor do they work how I say they do. I just made up some big words to look cool, so don't try and cure your cold with epilepsy drugs. Trust me, if they did work, I would be at home with a cold writing this, now would I? This is really out of character and very, very inaccurate, so please don't feel the need to point it out to me. I'm sick and miserable, so if I want to write a load of crap to post on the internet and attempt to pass off as something not so crappy as it is just to humour myself, then I will.

House groaned in annoyance as he opened the door to the exam room to reveal a waiting 15 year-old girl. Although she was thankfully devoid of an annoying parental supervisor who would be likely to ask stupid questions, House still felt a foreboding feeling that this was one consultation he would _really_ rather not have.

Just as he was turning to leave and palm the job off onto someone else, the girl turned to face him.

"Doctor House, is it?"

"How did you guess?" House said, more than a bit sarcastically and spitefully.

"Well I asked at the nurses station for the most annoying and/or corrupt doctor available."

"Ha ha, very funny," came House's clipped response.

"No really, I did."

House sighed and took a seat opposite his patient.

"So, Miss I-wanted-an-annoying-and/or-corrupt-doctor, what are you here to annoy me for?"

"Well, I'm suffering from an acute case of influenza, which has kept me from school since Monday, which is fine, but because I'm missing a biology exam today I need to get a doctor's certificate to prove my poor health."

"Which is where I come in, isn't it?"

"Precisely. Also, to authenticate a bit more I'd like to get some prescription drugs. Just in case."

"And you expect me to prescribe you drugs that you don't need? Now just in case the gossip driven scavengers at the nurse's station didn't warn you, I've already been sued for malpractice several times, and I don't really need that again. Since the only prescription drugs I can give for influenza are very serious medications that require me to prove the bad health of the patient. And since I've deduced that you're not really sick, that's going to be a minor problem."

"And to avoid that minor problem, you're going to prescribe me a not-so-serious drug. And since I've deduced that you obviously haven't read my patient file," she nodded to the manila folder sticking out of the trash bin by the door, "I'll give you a quick info-byte; my goal in life is to annoy 5000 people before I die, and currently that count is up to 7596 people, 47 dogs, 94 cats and 113 pigeons. I was hoping you'd be number 7597. Because you're obviously very anti-social and can't stand patients, let alone children or adolescents, we're going to play a guessing game."

House rolled his eyes. Yup, this was going to be _HELL._ The girl continued,

"I'm thinking of something beginning with the letter 'H'."

"Ok, consider me annoyed. Don't I get a clue?"

"Sure. Contains Codeine, Phenylephrine Hydrochloride and Dextromethorphan Hydrobromide, is available on by prescription and is commonly used to ease the onset of anaphylactic and epileptic shock by bolstering the immune system, although used to a lesser extent as a palliative for influenza and the common cold."

"Hepanephrol?"

((A/N: I know it's actually a French drug for digestive problems, but like I said, I'm not a doctor so you can't exactly sue more for malpractice, can you? And you'd have to find me first anyway. Ah crap…should probably remove the location from my profile, ey?))

"Bingo, doc."

"So, why exactly should I prescribe you Hepanephrol anyway?"

"Because otherwise there'll be an influx of high school student requesting your diagnosis, and a lot more guessing games."

House scowled and began writing out the prescription.

"Oh, and by the way Doctor House, about the patient you and your team were arguing about not so quietly outside the exam room just before you came in?"

"Yeah?"

"He or she has Hashimoto's Encephalopathy."

House raised an eyebrow, and was about to retort when his pager beeped. He excused himself not-so-politely before stepping out of the exam room to come face-to-face with Doctor Chase.

"Well?"

"The MRI just confirmed the patient has Hashimoto's Encephalopathy-"

House simply held up his hand to stop Chase, then turned and stepped back into the exam room to face a very smug looking adolescent.

"You'd better let your teachers know that you have to come back for a check-up next week," he said simply, before leaving the room again to let Chase finish his explanation, however just as Chase was about to start speaking again he went back into the room.

"If you're so smart, why are you shirking a bio exam?" he questioned.

"Because I'm the one supplying the answer sheets for other kids to cheat off, and if I'm not there it makes it a lot harder for anyone to pin it on me if someone gets caught."

"And they won't dob you in anyway if they get caught?"

"Of course not, if they did half their senior class won't be able to graduate," she grinned, exiting the exam room and leaving a stunned House in her wake.

"She'll make a good black marketeer one day," he mumbled, before finally letting Chase finish his diagnosis.

Blaargh, I know it was really shoddy, but I blame a rather extensive amount of Codral Cold&Flu tablets, boredom, and the inability to think clearly.


End file.
